A Small Victory?

I've been really bad about taking my Prozac for the past several days, and it started taking its toll this morning. I don't know why I've been such a dork about it, probably because I've been very caught up in thoughts about houses, moving, and traveling. The new house closes tomorrow at 1 in Athens. The old house still isn't on the market, which is a long and annoying story. On Thursday, we leave for the Southwest; we'll be gone for a week. Admittedly, choosing to travel right now was probably foolish, but we both really wanted to go away, and there's a Steve Roach concert in Tucson on Saturday, so it seemed a good excuse. It will work out OK, I know; hopefully, we can have some of the contracting on the new house done while we're away.

But I digress, as usual.

So, this morning, I realized that the non-Prozac'd state had caught up with me. Lethargy, anxiety, generally dark thoughts, and more abounded. First, I took my Prozac for the day (I notice the lack within 3-6 days of no pills; it usually takes 1-3 days before I'm back to 'normal.' Yes, this is somewhat atypical, but I have always responded to SSRIs, in particular, very, very quickly.) Barbara & I made a list of what needed to get done today, and that gave me some structure. But the thought-loops, as I call them, were still out of control. I was sure that meditation -- which I was determined not to forgo -- would be impossible.

I was wrong. Actually, it seemed to help. I've been slowly learning to be able to step back from my thoughts, to observe them without being overwhelmed by them. It's still very hit and miss, to say the least, but I can recognize improvement. One of the challenges is to experience the thoughts/feelings without being overwhelmed by them. Denying them winds up giving them more power, and keeps me from bare attention.

Today, I was able to watch the thought loops, the narratives, the sensations of anxiety and self-loathing, and step back from them enough that they no longer had power over me. The catch, of course, is that this was within the formalized meditation experience, where I could be very mindful of breath and external sounds, and could detach myself from worrying about what was and what will be. Outside of meditation, of course, that's much harder -- I'm stuck in the phenomenal world of time and necessity. So the test will be if I am able to maintain that equanimity throughout the rest of the day, at least in some small form. I'll report back later with the results.